Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
