I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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