I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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