I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
