I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
