In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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