you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
