i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
