I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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