Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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