Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
