then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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