Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found puke in my bra..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
