im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
