I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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