I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
