The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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