I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
