i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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