What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
