I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
