Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
