I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
