i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
