It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
