Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
