do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
