she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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