i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
