I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
