He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize