Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
