I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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