He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
