Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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