I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
