I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
