Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
