Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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