dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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