watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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