he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
