i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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