I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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