How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
bring money and cleavage
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
