You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
