3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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