Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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