quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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