He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
