Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
