porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
