I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
