why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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