OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
