At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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